Overcoming Emotional Entrapment: Escaping Unhealthy Love

Learn three steps to break free and build a happier life.

There are many reasons why people stay in relationships despite feeling disillusioned and defeated in them. Some are just practical concerns, like not having enough resources to create two separate acceptable living arrangements. Perhaps there are more intertwined emotional and material investments that would be a nightmare to untangle. Or, there may be cultural obligations that put others in the crossfire when a long-term relationship ends.

Whatever is keeping them in unfulfilling and sometimes anguishing partnerships, the people suffering these immobilized defeats can’t see a way to resolve their dilemma. Many have tried hard to change the situation without resolution. Others have just given in, feeling hopeless that anything could be different no matter how hard they’ve tried.

When they can no longer bear the unresolvable entrapment, they come to me in utter exasperation, asking if there is any way they can escape with the least damage to everyone involved.

They usually begin by just needing to vent to someone who will listen without judgment. That list is often long and sometimes goes back months, or even years. Listening to them go over every moment they were disappointed, every issue they felt defeated by, and every frustration they feel, I have sometimes found it hard to understand why they are still there.

Yet, something is keeping them attached that is still strong enough to override all of the cumulative negatives. It is crucial for me as a therapist to help them reexamine their options to make sure they have thoroughly explored every possible way they might still be able to change the situation or what they must do to leave if that is the only option.

If you are a person stuck in an untenable relationship that you feel and know you must leave but have been unable to let go, mastering the next three steps can help you resolve your conflict.

Step 1: Consider if it's you or the situation

While personal change originates within, our interactions with others profoundly shape our experiences and facilitate personal growth.

Reflect on your childhood experiences, specifically the dynamics you witnessed within your family.

Was one of your parents martyred in the same kind of situation you feel you are?
Were you taught as a child that you had no say in making decisions about your own life and had no option but to do as you were told?
Do you feel that your need to be in a situation prevents you from having a voice in how decisions are made?

Examine all your past relationships, which is crucial for personal growth.

Do you often become attached to people who have all of the power and control in your relationship?
Are you projecting unresolved past issues on to your partners, only being able to repeat the same mistakes you’ve made in other relationships?

Analyze your role in relationships where you felt stagnant, whether with family, colleagues, friends, or even your own deeply held beliefs.

Do you need to develop a new way of being to improve your future relationships?
What internal changes would be necessary for you to cultivate this new way of being?

Step 2: Consider why your attachments have so much power to control you

Please be as kind to yourself when you explore these often hard to understand rationalizations that have kept you living a life you know is not good for you.

What if you were poor as a child, and now live a life that gives you so much of what you ached for and could never have before?
What if you think that there isn’t anything better for you out there and you are afraid to take that chance?
What if your family and social support would not support you were you to leave the relationship?
What if you, deep down inside, feel it’s really your fault for being unable to love your partner and you will find out you’re going to choose a worse situation if you leave?
What if your children never forgive you because they think their other parent is much better than you think they are?
What if you are just afraid of being alone?
What if a part of you still hopes that you and your partner do care and you might be making a big mistake for not trying harder?

All of these attachments form self-doubts that can make you unable to create the courage it will take for you to move out of your situation.

Step 3: Realistically imagine a life beyond this relationship

You may have been focusing so hard on your distress and depression that you have not clearly looked at the life you could create were you to be free of your consistent and continual focus on what is wrong with your current relationship.

This is the time to take a more realistic look at what you would be actually facing if you were to move on, rather than fantasy fears that are holding you back.

How would your life actually change?
Who will support you and help you in your transition?
Will you have enough financial support on your own?
How and when would you reenter the dating world?
What will you need to do to make a better life than the one you are leaving behind?